


One-Sided Conversations

by Cinnamongirl



Series: Lileas Lavellan [2]
Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: F/M, In the Fade, Masturbation, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-11
Updated: 2016-06-10
Packaged: 2018-04-20 05:29:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4775429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cinnamongirl/pseuds/Cinnamongirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Solas won't allow Lavellan to approach him in the Fade, but he can't stop her from talking to him.</p><p>My take on the Trespasser epilogue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

This time, she was in a forest. It wasn't anywhere that Lileas recognized; in fact, when she looked closer, she realized that it couldn't be anywhere real at all. There were trees that only grew in the Free Marches next to a type of moss that was found in Orlais, and a variety of flower that needed lots of bright sunlight was somehow thriving in the shade below the canopy of leaves. Her unconscious mind was apparently not very concerned with accuracy.

The wolf was there too, somewhere off in the distance and looking much sadder than she'd thought was possible for an animal.

“Hi Solas!” she called out.

The wolf vanished into the trees.

“What, seriously?” She rolled her eyes and held up her hands in an attempt to look innocent. “I'm not trying to chase you down, I promise.” _Not here, anyway._

The logic of the Fade was confusing sometimes. Lileas' left hand was present, but the Anchor wasn't there for some reason. She understood that what she saw was shaped by her mind and that everything technically only existed because she thought it should, but she wasn't able to control her surroundings in the way that mages did. Honestly, it was a surprise that she could still dream consciously at all.

“See, I'm turning around.” She turned away from him and sat down on an unrealistically-smooth rock. “And I'm sitting. Not following you. I'm just talking out loud, and if you decide to skulk around in the trees and stay within earshot then that's on you.” She sat still and listened carefully. The woods were quieter than real ones would have been, but she didn't hear anything that could have been Solas. Not that that necessarily meant anything.

“So, anyway, did you have a good day today? Were you productive in your quest to destroy the world?” She winced. “Sorry, that came out more bitter than I intended. I do genuinely hope that you've been well, I really mean it.”

There was no response, of course.

“I did some work for Leliana today, and then I spent the rest of the day training. You know, I used to practice with one arm tied down to make sure that my technique was solid on both sides. Guess that's useful now.” An uncomfortable feeling prickled in her chest. She desperately wanted to change the subject, but she continued. “It's stupid, isn't it? I still have trouble getting dressed without help but I focus all my energy on making sure that I can still fight, because THAT'S what's important.” 

She sighed.

_If I expect him to be honest with me, I should be prepared to do the same._

“I do it because I don't feel as helpless afterward. I don't need two hands to stab people; I just have to learn how to do it twice as fast as I used to. If I can kill people then I'm not weak.” Lileas attempted a smile. “You always used to make fun of me for carrying too many knives and daggers, remember? I only need half as many now. That's good, right?”

Lileas glanced around but she didn't see any indication that Solas was still there. She heard dried leaves crunching somewhere behind her.

“Thanks for listening. I don't know why I'm talking to you like this, but it helps a lot.”

There were at least three birds in the trees, from what she could hear. It was a species of bird that was normally only found near the sea.

“I suppose that's why I'm doing this, isn't it? I need someone to talk to and I don't have anyone else.” Solas had really been the only person she opened up to and apparently she was still in the habit of doing so, even after two years. “Well there's Leliana of course, but she's so busy now and I don't want to bother her.”

Silence.

“I mean it, thank you. And I miss you, but you knew that already. I'm still going to say it because you need to hear it.”

She looked over her shoulder and saw the faint shape of the wolf across a seemingly endless distance. She smiled.

“Same time tomorrow night?”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter includes a lot of headcanons about my Inquisitor that may not be relevant to anyone else. It also includes a lot of discussion of sex, but nothing really explicit.

The forest tonight looked like it was from the Storm Coast. It was respectably accurate; she could even hear waves crashing somewhere in the distance. Lileas seemed to dream about forests a lot. It was probably the result of growing up Dalish.

“Why a wolf, anyway?” she asked.

There was no response.

“I always used to wonder if the Dread Wolf was an actual wolf or if the title was some kind of metaphor; I asked the Keeper about it once and she rolled her eyes at me. But it sounds like you just got the nickname because you like wearing pelts. Unless it was the other way around? Can you even shapeshift in real life or is it just a Fade thing?”

She couldn't feel the wind or the rain at all. The Fade wasn't bad at reflecting images and it was decent at sound, but other sensory experiences were kind of disappointing.

“I notice that you have a normal number of eyes, even though it could just be that you don't want to flaunt your extra body parts in front of someone with missing body parts. That's thoughtful of you.”

The smell was all wrong. She could smell SOMETHING, but it was entirely different from the scent of the real Storm Coast. 

“My theory is that you're trying to give yourself plausible deniability, so that maybe it isn't you at all and I'm just having a recurring dream about a wolf. In that case, it's actually much more likely that I'd dream about you in elf form. Naked. Just, you know, for future reference.” 

Lileas suddenly laughed. “Shit, I never would have thought I'd be talking to the Dread Wolf so familiarly. I feel like I should be more afraid of you or that I should try to appease you or something. On the other hand, your tongue has been inside my ass. I suppose that does tend to breed familiarity.”

The Fade was certainly interesting, she decided, but most of the memories it reflected were inferior versions of the real thing.

“I know I'm rambling a lot, feel free to interrupt me whenever you want. Or is that it? You don't want to be tempted to respond to all my questions so you take on a form that can't speak? CAN animals speak in the Fade? I feel like Dorian's told me that he met talking animals before, but they might have just been demons.”

“Oh, that reminds me, I talked with Dorian earlier. He's doing well! His job sounds like a nightmare but he seems to thrive in that environment. You'd be proud of him; he hasn't quite managed to free every slave in Tevinter but he's making progress in the right direction.”

Lileas had tried to learn as much about the Fade as she could, but she would never have the same relationship with it that mages did. She'd never felt guilty about that before.

“It occurs to me that I never got a chance to tell you MY secrets. I was planning on it at some point but then you left and your secrets ended up being a lot more exciting than mine...”

She took a deep breath.

“First, and you probably already know this but I feel like you should hear it directly from me, I slept with a lot of other people after we defeated Corypheus and you disappeared.”

Nothing had happened during the time period when Solas was still at Skyhold after ending things between them. He had promised to explain everything later and it felt wrong to get involved with anyone else while she felt so little closure about the ending of her last relationship.

“Warden-Commander Aeducan visited Leliana right before she officially became Divine, and Leliana introduced me to her. They invited me into their bed one evening after we'd been up late drinking wine and talking. It was-” _soft, warm, a lot more vanilla than she usually went for but somehow EXACTLY what she needed_ “-good. Apparently the Warden stamina thing is real.”

“A little while after that, Iron Bull said that Krem and I should get together sometime, because he thought we'd be compatible. That's how he phrased it.” If anything, it was an understatement. It was as if the Lieutenant had been created to not only handle but actively encourage anything and everything she wanted to do to him. “I remember that I couldn't stop staring at the hairs on his legs. I even told him that I hadn't realized humans had so much body hair--I suppose that Leliana removes hers, somehow?--and he just laughed and said that I should see Blackwall. _Apparently_ , there was one evening when Blackwall was seen running back to the stables while trying to cover himself with a bucket. It was all anyone could talk about for weeks.” 

The hair on Krem's head had also surprised her. More than once, she caught herself pulling at his hair and marveling at the strange feeling before she realized why.

“He's with Maryden now. She was the minstrel who sang in the tavern, do you remember her? I think she'll enjoy him.”

Lileas paused, not sure how much detail to go into. 

“I actually did sleep with Blackwall next, and I'm convinced that he's the victim of some kind of magical accident where someone tried to transform him into a bear and he got stuck partway. Nobody can have that much hair naturally.”

It was almost funny in hindsight. Blackwall had heard rumors but he was either too polite or too nervous to ask the Herald of Andraste for what he wanted, so he spent an awkward amount of time just beating around the bush.

“I helped him act out some kind of punishment fantasy. I'm not sure how much of it was a kink and how much was actual guilt but he got off on it and he didn't seem emotionally damaged afterward, so...” she shrugged.

“Blackwall apparently enjoyed it enough to tell Sera about me, because she and Dagna approached me after that. They're together now too. I wouldn't have seen that coming, but Sera's actually grown up a lot in general. I think Dagna's been a good influence on her.”

With Sera, it had been tentative. They'd never had a good relationship; Lileas thought Sera was annoying and immature and Sera had always found Lileas to be too serious and too stuck-up for her own good. 

Things were awkward until Sera accused her of not being over Elfypants, to which Lileas admitted that it was absolutely true but she'd happily attempt to drown her sorrows in Sera's cunt if she was amenable. Sera had laughed, cocked her head, and then smiled as if she thought Lileas looked better from the new angle. 

Dagna unsurprisingly turned out to be both creative and good with her hands. She also enthusiastically let Lileas bend her over a table and have her way with her, which had a lovely effect on Lileas' emotional state that lasted until they'd finished and Sera said “Don't know who told you not to let your guard down. You're better like this, yeah?” and Lileas simultaneously felt more crowded and more alone than she had in years.

“Is Dagna working for you?" she asked in the general direction of the trees. "I think she'd do anything to be able to interact with the Fade, even if she died in the process... You're probably going to try to recruit her now, aren't you? Shit.”

She laughed softly to herself. “Sometimes I get paranoid and wonder if everyone I know is one of your spies. I'm always tempted to say 'Tell Fen'Harel I love him' to random people in the hope that it will get back to you.”

“Anyway, I also slept with a professor from the University of Orlais who helped us when we were working with the Avvar. You know, the serious, intellectual type who enjoys being bossed around by tiny women. I'm sure you can understand.” Lileas grinned into the distance.

“And finally, I got together with Hawke's friend Isabela several times over the course of about a year, in case you were wondering if I only fuck women two at a time. She'd been working for the Inquisition until we disbanded it. I remember that she had this nifty compact crossbow that could be fired one-handed. Actually, I should probably look into getting one of those for myself now that longbows aren't really an option...”

Isabela was a fan of knives, and had the rare quality of knowing when to fill the silence and when to just shut up. She made a big deal about always being on top but she was very transparent about wanting someone who would challenge her and fight for dominance.

“All right, now that you've heard about my sexual adventures, I suppose that I should tell you the big one. Even though it's not all that big or exciting, considering...”

It shouldn't be a big deal to talk about. It would be nothing to him. _She_ was-

“You know that I trained with Heir, but most people don't know that I was an assassin long before the Conclave. I was also sort of a spy, I guess, but not like Iron Bull or like your people- It's difficult to infiltrate when you have vallaslin. I mostly just tried to get in and out of places without being noticed so that I could get information and sometimes kill people. I was actually only at the Conclave in the first place because I was spying on it.”

Now that the main idea was out, she was pretty sure that Solas would want some background information. This would be much easier if she could read his facial expressions. “There was a man who joined the clan before I was born, he'd been a part of some fancy assassin's guild for years until he left to hide with the Dalish. He wasn't a Crow, I remember that much, but they had a really pretentious name. He noticed that I had the dexterity and the right temperament for it, whatever that means, so he offered to train me and I've been killing shems in cold blood since I was a teenager. You've heard that Clan Lavellan was unusually willing to work with humans? I'm the reason why.”

“It's also why I think Leliana and I became friends easily. She had kind of a similar background, even though it was in Orlais where everything is over-complicated and at least my mentor never slept with me or betrayed me. Leliana even had a whole team of people like me and it wasn't a big deal. I almost felt normal.”

Lileas closed her eyes. She forced herself to keep her voice steady. “I felt like that around you, too. It seems so stupid now, but there was this darkness in you and I could tell that you'd gotten your hands bloody and were prepared to do it again. I thought we could understand each other. We never really discussed our lives before the Conclave but I always assumed that we'd open up to each other eventually.” She opened her eyes and peered through the trees. “I feel so naïve.”

Her voice cracked on that last word, and she took low breaths and clenched her nails against the palm of her hand until she could trust herself to speak.

“So, now you know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've thought about writing the story of Lavellan's hookup with Blackwall. I promise that the reality was healthier than she makes it sound here.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A warning: this chapter gets explicit but it isn't exactly smutty (if that makes sense?) so I'm leaving the rating as M because I don't want to disappoint people who are looking for porn.
> 
> I also looked at the relevant epilogue slide again and I noticed that Solas is described as "her lover" and is never explicitly said to look like a wolf while he's in the Fade. For the purpose of this fic I'm taking the slide image literally and assuming that he does it to avoid interacting with her, but I'm not even sure that this is canon.

Publicly, Lileas worked for Leliana and attended the occasional diplomatic function as a mostly-retired public figure and became proficient at picking locks one-handed. Privately, she and the small group of people who she could trust made rapid progress in understanding what, exactly, Solas was planning to do, in order to convince him that he wouldn't have to do it.

She didn't notice when her left hand stopped appearing in the Fade. 

She was in a field tonight, filled with soft-looking grass and the occasional flower. She was pretty sure that it was a location outside of Starkhaven that she hadn't visited since childhood, and which probably looked very different now. Strangely, she was also wearing the unflattering pajama-like garments that lay forgotten somewhere in Skyhold.

Lileas had spoken with Cole recently; he sometimes appeared to her in the Fade but it was never clear whether he was checking on her as a worried friend, reporting about her to Solas, or just catching up. This time, he said that Solas was concerned about the activities of Lileas and her supporters, but that he was also hopeful. At least that's what she thought Cole said; he had a tendency to be vague and cryptic. But if it was true that Solas not only wanted her to stop him but was starting to hope that she could actually do it? It was the best news that Lileas had heard in a long time.

 

“Hey, Solas!” she called out to the wolf shape at the edge of her vision.

“So, how have you been? I'm all right. I went to a ball today.” She hadn't been able to get out of the invitation, unfortunately. “It was boring, but at least the wine was good and there was this cake that was made with cloves, I think, and some kind of nuts? You would've liked it.

“You know, I don't know why I keep talking to you like this when I know you aren't going to answer. It's nice to get my thoughts out, though. I don't feel as lonely. Maybe I should just start a journal or something? Or...” 

Lileas suddenly burst out laughing.

It took her almost a full minute to calm down. “Okay, sorry, I was about to say that maybe I should get a dog like Cullen has, but you're my dog, aren't you? You're my pet dog!” She laughed again. “Thanks for not making me clean up after you.”

She sat down on the grass, still laughing quietly.

“I don't know if I mentioned it the other day, but I haven't slept with anyone since the Exalted Council. You're the last person who's even kissed me. If that matters to you. I'm not going to apologize for fucking other people after you left but I won't talk about it anymore if it bothers you. _Does_ it bother you?”

She shifted to lay down on her back, letting her hand splay across her stomach. A reasonably accurate imitation of a warm breeze blew across her face. “Or maybe you enjoyed it? Did it turn you on, hearing about me with other people? I can give you details if you'd like.”

Lileas traced the seam of her shirt up to her neck and then back down, fingering the clasps as she passed them. “Do you still think of me that way, even though it's been years? Well, you stalk my dreams so I'd guess that you're still at least somewhat fond of me.” A breath. “Do you think about me when you touch yourself?”

She traced the seams over her thigh. “I think about you when I do it. Would you like to hear about that?”

Her hand edged closer to her groin. “Or maybe I could get myself off while you watch. How does that sound?”

Without pretending to wait for an answer, she slipped her hand inside her pants. “Mmm, yeah, that feels good. Wish it was your hands, though.”

There was no response except for the quiet noises of the wind.

She untied the laces on her pants and opened them enough to have easy access, then considered briefly and pushed her pants down past her hips and her thighs until they were bunched around her ankles. She thought about removing her boots so that she could get them off entirely, but decided against it. Lileas lay on her back with her knees bent and her feet together so that her cunt was prominently on display.

She traced the inside of her leg from her knee to her groin. “See? I still look about the same down there. Is it as you remember? Do you remember how I taste? I imagine you do; you seem to have a long memory.” She wet her fingers and rubbed at her clit, bucking her hips up against her hand. 

“Nngh,” she gasped.

Lileas undid the fastenings on her shirt and opened it wide to make sure that her breasts were as displayed as possible. She licked her fingertips and flicked a nipple between them. “Fuck, that feels good. See, this is where I could really use your hands. Or your mouth. I wouldn't turn down your cock, either.

“I miss all of you,” she added softly.

She slid her hand back down and lifted her hips slightly in order to thrust two fingers inside of herself. “Yeah, your cock would be great right about now.

“Should I reminisce about times we've had together?” she asked, still fucking herself with her hand. “The time at the Winter Palace? Lydes? Valammar? The day after we got back from the Fallow Mire and I kept you tied up in my bed for hours?

“What do you like to fantasize about when you jerk off? Will you be thinking about this once you wake up? I hope you do.”

A pause.

“Okay, now I'm going to have to stop talking and focus on what I'm doing if I actually want to get off. I will be thinking about you, though, do not doubt it.”

She rubbed her fingers across her clit for a few more minutes until her face screwed up in concentration and her back arched and she gasped audibly and came silently and then immediately began sobbing.

“Fuck,” she said in a shaky voice. 

“Didn't know if it would happen here, too. That's another reason why I haven't been with anyone; I can't come without crying now. Every time. I wish you were there and you aren't and- 

“I don't know what's wrong with me.”

Her crotch was starting to feel cold and dry where the air hit it, and she realized that her legs were stiff from holding them open for so long. She awkwardly rolled over onto her side and closed her legs, still crying. She remembered that she was half-dressed and wouldn't be able to refasten her shirt without help. The worst part was that they weren't even real clothes; if she had more control over the Fade, she could just switch them out for something else entirely, but as it was she was more or less stuck here. _Pathetic_.

She considered at least pulling her pants up, but she couldn't bring herself to actually do it. There wasn't really any point, was there? Nobody was there to see her except for Solas who, if she was fortunate, would only be bored by what she'd just done and not disgusted or embarrassed for her.

“Creators, I'm so alone,” she whispered.

She heard what she'd said and sobbed audibly as a new wave of humiliation hit-

...Was that...?

...Lileas wasn't imagining it, was she?

She blinked, trying to focus through the haze of tears. She was almost entirely sure that Solas (or at least the wolf who refused to confirm or deny its identity) was walking toward her. 

She froze.

He stopped moving.

“No, wait, you can keep going! You just surprised me.”

Solas remained still. 

“Please, it's fine if you want to approach me. Whatever you want to do. Just let me know if I'm supposed to get up or try to touch you or anything.

“What IS the standard protocol for hanging out with one's former lover in the Fade, anyway? 

"I feel like Josephine would know the answer to that, and then she would explain how the etiquette is slightly different in Rivain and in the Anderfels than it is... where I currently am.”

Lileas felt a stab of guilt when she thought of Josephine. She remembered how hard Josephine had worked to defend the Inquisition at the Exalted Council, only for her to disband it. At least she was doing well, as far as Lileas knew. Leliana claimed that she was working out of an office in Antiva that had a window overlooking the beach, and that she was busy enough to keep her from getting bored but not so much that she couldn't spend time with her family. Lileas pictured her sipping Antivan wine and rolling her eyes at her sister, and she smiled. 

She realized that she had calmed down somewhat. She tried not to think about how weak she must look right now.

The wolf was watching her, but not in a judgmental way (if that was even possible?). It lay down, resting its head on its paws. 

Lileas watched him from across the distance between them. She had a sudden memory of looking over at Solas as he lay on the opposite side of the bed. 

She blew a kiss in his direction.

“Thank you,” she whispered.


	4. Chapter 4

“I didn't think you would come see me tonight,” Lileas said.

No response.

“I'm not going to apologize, if that's what you're here for.” She stared at him, half expecting him to turn around and leave. He didn't move.

“For what it's worth, that wasn't what we'd planned. We didn't set out to-” _to slaughter at least a significant number, if not most, of Solas' high-ranking agents_ “-to kill them.”

He was still silent.

“I'm not going to insult you by trying to make excuses or convince you that we didn't have a choice,” she continued. “I respect you too much—respect _myself_ too much—for that.”

Lileas looked around for the first time since she'd come here. There were trees, and she thought she heard a river in the background. She didn't recognize the area.

“I don't even know why it matters. Back when you used to travel with me, there were a lot of times when we'd be on an intelligence mission or trying to do a random favor for someone and we'd end up having to kill people to save ourselves. For all your objections to senseless violence, you were happy to murder alongside me when it wasn't your people that were dying.

“Okay, it's true that you've been avoiding killing _my_ people and you seem to be trying to bring about the end of the world with the least bloodshed possible, but that's a luxury that I don't have, isn't it?” She sighed. “I'm not sorry but it's not what I wanted to happen. I'd never want you to be even more alone.” 

Not to mention that she was ostensibly trying to convince him NOT to kill everyone and she hadn't exactly been a good role model lately.

The silence was the same as always but it felt heavier tonight.

“Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I was one of 'your people.' It would be really interesting to have magic; I'd have lots of new and exciting ways to kill people. Except that if everyone was immortal, I'd probably have to find a new profession.”

Role model. Right.

“What's it like, being immortal? I think about that sometimes, too. It must be especially strange if almost no one else is. Am I like a child to you? Is that part of why you left, so I'd have a chance to move on instead of devoting my entire life to you?”

He continued to watch her, and she stared back at him.

“I thought you hated me, you know, that's why I never looked for you after you left. It seemed obvious; you ended things because you were unhappy with me but then you couldn't even stand to be near me so you disappeared. It seems so arrogant in hindsight, doesn't it? 

“Well, I suppose I owe Varric an apology. I used to think it was ridiculous that he could be in love with someone for so long if he couldn't be with her or even see her. I think I understand now.”

Lileas took a deep breath. She was NOT going to start crying again.

“For what it's worth, I understand where you're coming from. Does validation even mean anything from someone like me?" She continued quickly, not waiting for a response, "I honestly don't care about the ancient elves but I can see why you'd regret creating the Veil and why you'd want to bring it down. The ideas is compelling, as far as a weak mortal like myself can comprehend it. Do you remember the conversation where I said that it would be wonderful if the Veil was gone? I wish there was a safe way to do it. I've killed civilians too, not anywhere near on the scale you're talking about but I get it. And we're all about to die from your perspective anyway, aren't we?" She did pause here, trying to focus her thoughts. "The thing is, I'm not sure this will make things better, for anyone. You seem pretty convinced but you aren't telling me anything so I have to go off of the information I have and I can't get behind the destruction of the world unless there's clear evidence that it will be worth it.”

...Was he moving? No, he couldn't be. It was probably a shadow or something. It sort of looked like he was moving but he obviously wasn't.

“I think you know that, too. I think you aren't just watching me every night out of sentimentality or to keep track of what I'm doing. I think you hope I can find a way to stop you-”

She realized that he was definitely, unambiguously walking toward her. 

She stood very still and waited.

He was less than twenty feet away from her and still moving. 

He stopped in front of her, close enough to touch-

“Is it all right if I touch you? I'm worried that you'll run away if I reach out.”

He watched her, motionless.

“How about this: you can touch me if you'd like, but otherwise I'll stay over here and keep my hands to myself. Does that work?” She wasn't exactly crying but her voice shook.

She looked into eyes that were brown instead of blue and he stared back at her.

“Solas.” Her voice was steady again. “I vow to spend the rest of my short, pathetic mortal life trying to help you find another way. It's not much, but it's all I have to give.”

They stood there watching each other until she woke up.


End file.
